City of Heroes

Ask Blizz
Blizz Ard typing

Ask Blizz is a pseudo-advice column that I made up for my main hero character, Blizz Ard. It is a collection of random silliness where Blizz fields questions about crime fighting, life as a superhero, and other odd stuff. Blizz Ard is an ice-based character, with a ice-creature pet named Jack Frost (Frosty), so some of the questions make reference to that.

As you can see, I stopped adding new questions after a while.

Ask Blizz (3/16/2009)
My refrigerator broke. Would you come keep my food cold until I can save up enough money for a new one? I'll bake you some cookies.
Eric from Anchorage, Alaska
Dear Eric,
While the cookies are very tempting, I'm afraid acting as your personal freezer goes a little outside of "Protect and Serve." You might want to try the Yellow Pages or online for a repair service or an appliance rental store. On second thought, you live in Alaska, just put the contents of your fridge outside for a while.
Can Jack Frost come to my birthday party?
Billy, age 8, Orlando, Florida
Dear Billy,
Happy birthday! Florida is a bit warm for Frosty, and I think it would make everyone sad to watch him melt. Plus, he gets a little freaked out when he sees people eat ice cream (he thinks it's a cousin). Thank you for the invitation, though!
Howard Stern rules!
Anonymous, Brooklyn, NY
Dear Anonymous,
No, he doesn't, but thank you for pointing out that I really need to hire a better editor.
So what's with the blue tights? You a little fruity or something?
Aaron, Detroit, Michigan
Dear Aaron,
Actually, the tights are made from a special insulating fabric that helps regulate my body temperature. It helps keeps me from getting frostbite in places where I really don't want frostbite. Serge from Icon assured me the tights are all the rage... at least, that's what I think he said. It was hard to hear because he kept dropping his pen and he would mumble something everytime I bent over to pick it up.

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Ask Blizz (3/21/2009)
Does Santa Claus really live in the North Pole?
Abby from New York City, New York
Dear Abby,
Santa is much too big to live inside a pole. He prefers to live in the house attached to his workshop. But the reindeer... well, let's just say Vixen has some experience with poles...
What happens to all the ice you use in your missions after you leave?
Janet, New Canton, Virginia
Dear Janet,
The quick answer is that it melts, but you probably knew that already. There are crews around the city who do cleanup work on warehouses, office buildings, etc. after a hero is done with a mission. The debris left behind from a mission is analyzed for clues about the enemies involved. This department is funded by a tax we heroes pay on the influence we earn. We also do volunteer work to help offset the cost. In my case, I pay a slightly higher tax than most because puddles of water can rot away floors and cause mold to form.

There are programs in place where heroes with opposite powers can help clean up each others' missions. So for example, a hero with fire powers may come in to evaporate the melted ice I leave behind, and I may enter a building from his or her mission to help cool the place down.
Do you have a brother named Rhett?
Anonymous, Boston, Massachusetts
Dear Anonymous,
Apparently this editor is no better than my last one.

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Ask Blizz (4/3/2009)
If so many heroes live in Paragon City, wouldn't the villains be better off just moving somewhere else?
Martha from Locust Grove, Oklahoma
Dear Martha,
If villains could use logic like you have, they'd be a lot more dangerous. Seriously, though, there are heroes in many cities around the world. Paragon City just happens to be the most prominient one in the United States. Other cities around the world, such as Paris, are also home to large hero populations. Of course, in Paris, the heroes have different powers... for example, scrappers there can dual-wield day-old bagettes to smack around the baddies.
I think my daughter might have superpowers. How do I find out for sure?
Bernie from Meza, Arizona
Dear Bernie,
The best thing to do would be to contact the Department of Superpowered Affairs at the City Hall in Atlas Park (Paragon City, RI), or at the Freedom Corps headquarters in Galaxy City (Paragon City, RI). They will ask you some questions and probably want to talk to your daughter, as well. Based on the answers to the questions, they may arrange for a further evaluation of your daughter and her powers. This will help determine if she does indeed have superpowers, what type of powers they may be, and the source of her powers (origin).

In the event that your daughter has superpowers, there are training programs available (funded by various hero taxes) to teach her to control and to use her powers correctly, so as not to cause harm to innocent people.
You should move up to Canada. You and Jack Frost would love the weather up here, eh.
Kathy from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Dear Kathy,
Thank you for the housing brochures, and your real-estate business card. The area looks lovely, but at the present time, I'm not looking to move. Also, the 58-year, 34% Adjustable Rate Mortgage you are offering isn't terribly appealing.... and I don't have children, so I can't send you my first-born as a down-payment.

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Ask Blizz (5/16/2009)
Ever since you heroes started playing that Mission Architect game, I get my purse stolen daily!
Caroline from Lewisburg, Tennesee
Dear Caroline,
Actually, according to the crime statistics, muggings and robberies have gone down since the Mission Architect was released. It seems the villains are in there playing, too. Don't worry, though, I'll create a mission where we save people's purses.

Might I suggest the Paragon Police Department's new purse GPS system? They implant a GPS tracking device in your purse, so that if it is stolen, we can track it and bust the bad guys. Of course, we will be on patrol to make sure it doesn't get stolen in the first place. Oh, by the way... do you give tickets for saving your purse? Just wondering.
I am working on a mission arc starring a smart-mouthed icey advice columnist. He always says outrageous stuff and gets in trouble for it. Any suggestions what I should name him?
Daryl from Broken Bow, Nebraska
Dear Daryl,
Joe Biden?
I'm starting up a snow cone stand at the beach this summer. Can I use Jack Frosty as my mascot?
Teresa from Misquamicut, Rhode Island
Dear Teresa,
I'm afraid that wouldn't work out. Frosty has a crack legal team and if you tried to use his image, they'd probably send some goons to the beach to kick sand in all your snow cones. Plus there's the touchy subject of eating ice shavings. Frosty might see that as some bizarre form of cannibalism and start attacking people. Either way, not a pretty situation.

Might I suggest a picture of a smiling snowman instead?

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Ask Blizz (8/22/2009)
With all the talk lately of health care reform, it made me wonder about heroes. Do you have some sort of hero health plan?
Orriana from Eagle Point, Oregon
Dear Orriana,
Heroes do have their own health plan, which we fund through a tax on the influence we earn. We realized long ago that treating superpowered injuries (try falling off a 100 story building!) would overwhelm and bankrupt a regular health care system. Not to mention that you need doctors who know how to treat heroes, as normal practices might not work on them. For example, a simple hypodermic needle could break trying to give a flu shot to a tanker. There are specially trained doctors throughout the world that specialize in hero treatment. I'm fortunate in that my secondary powers are from the Empathy pool, which means I can usually heal myself.

As for the non-hero health care plans... do you really want the government running a plan for you? These are the same people that run the DMV, after all.
If you heroes are so super, why don't you fly over to Afghanistan and get rid of the bad guys there?
Larry from Morrisville, Vermont
Dear Larry,
They don't give experience points.
What are you heroes going to do about the death squads that are going to kill old people?
Sarah from Anchorage, Alaska
Dear Sarah,
I'm not even going to dignify that with a respose. Although, technically, I guess I just did.

Might I also point out that your 15 minutes of fame ended looooong ago? Just saying.

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Ask Blizz (10/26/2009)
I've noticed lately that every time I try to enter an office building, a bunch of witches and vampires jump out at me. I grew up in Croatoa, so I'm kind of used to that, but I really think you heroes should do something about this.
N.P. Cee from Brickstown, Rhode Island
Dear N.P.,
I assure you, we heroes are vigilantly monitoring the doors in the city to make sure they are cleared of obstructions, all as part of our public service to the city. So... um... you didn't happen to find any Back Alley Brawler costume gloves, did you? You know, I should probably take them if you did, because... um... I wouldn't want them to fall on the ground and litter. So you'd be doing a public service... yeah.
My son wants to go as Blizz Ard for Halloween! Do you have any costumes in the toy stores?
Joel from Mt. Morris, Illinois
Dear Joel,
I'm flattered that your son wants to dress up as me for Halloween. Unfortunately, I'm running into some licensing problems with the costume people (they are being total jerks... I think it's a Nemesis plot), so it will be some time before Blizz Ard costumes hit the stores.

In the meantime, I would suggest doing the next best thing, and making a Blizz Ard sock puppet for your son. It's a great family activity, and all it requires is some construction paper, tape, scissors, and a few cotton balls. As a bonus, you can even make Frosty! Take a look at the Blizz (left) and Frosty (right) socket puppets below, made by a seven year-old deranged kangaroo on Prozak in the span of about 5 minutes. I'm not really sure why a kangaroo had a pair of socks, where it got the cotton balls, and how it suddenly grew opposable thumbs to be able to do this activity, but regardless, enjoy!

Blizz Ard sock puppet Frosty sock puppet
Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!
Janet from Chandler, Oklahoma
Dear Janet,
I am prohibited by law from doing that anymore. Let's just say there was an... indicent... at the shoe store and leave it at that.

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